Horoscopes - The GloBELL ROAR

Aries You will forget to remind yourself to remember the thing you forgot to remind yourself about.

Taurus Yesterday was the most important day of your life. Sorry, it’s all downhill from here.

Gemini Exactly 24 hours after you read this for the third time, you will enter a library while humming the tune of “It’s a Small World After All”, thus signaling to the agent posing as a librarian that you are his contact. You will ask him to direct you to a book about treating insomnia, and he will hand you an “Introductory to Economics”. You will leave the library, and hidden inside the book you will not find the world-changing secret microfilm. Instead, you will find the agent’s phone bill. The next day, a telephone company will expose a global conspiracy.

Cancer It will seem like a good idea at the time. Don’t be fooled.

Leo While reading your horoscope, you will begin to feel as though you are reading the same line over and over again the same line over and over again the same line over and over again.

Virgo You will find the thing you lost a year ago and had forgotten about while searching for the thing you lost yesterday and desperately need. The thing you lost yesterday is currently en route to the Galapagos, where it will fall off a plane and badly startle an iguana.

Libra They know what you did. The ninjas will be here soon.

Scorpio Fireworks are not toys. Neither are deep friers. The two should never be combined. (No, not even then.)

Sagittarius While watching paint dry, you will suddenly be struck by a burst of inspiration and launch into a deep philosophical speech regarding justice, truth, morality, why vacuum cleaners are noisy, and ultimately revealing the meaning of life itself. Unfortunately, there will be no one in the room to here you, and your memory of the event will be lost as a result of prolonged exposure to paint fumes.

Capricorn Watch out! Margaret Atwood is a famous Canadian author.

Aquarius When you reach the crossroads, turn left. Follow the road for 11 miles, then walk 7 steps past the tree on your right. Follow the tunnel until you emerge in the non-descript field. Close your eyes, spin in a circle, and walk until you bump into something. Now you are thoroughly lost, but so are the IRS agents who were after you.

Pisces When the teacher asks, just remember: it’s spelled “chitin” but it’s pronounced “antidisestablishmentarianism”.