Horoscopes
Aries-It’s going to rain today. It may not look like it, and the weatherman may not have predicted it, but there’s going to be rain. Trust me. So be sure to wear a big, heavy raincoat all day. Under no circumstances take it off, no matter how overheated or silly you may feel.
Taurus-A life-changing opportunity will come your way, but unfortunately you’ll be too busy reading your horoscope to notice it.
Gemini-Oh wow, what a day...bad luck, an evil twin, mistaken identity, plots for world domination, a misplaced jar of jellybeans...you know what? Just go back to bed. Let somebody else take care of the Mole People.
Cancer-You’ll see someone wearing a big, heavy raincoat, despite the fact that it’s not raining. Be sure to point and laugh.
Leo-You will doubt the legitimacy of the horoscopes on this page. But think about this: I knew you were going to be reading this sentence when I wrote it, so clearly I know a lot more about the future than you do. And I can prove it. You don’t realize it yet, but you’re about to re-read this horoscope to make sure I spelled ‘elephant’ correctly. Which I did.
Virgo-The impending disaster you fear will be diverted by the emergency crews responding to the disaster you didn’t expect.
Libra-Today’s a good day for burning evidence.
Scorpio-A song will get stuck in your head today and constantly annoy you. It will repeat over and over again, looping endlessly in your brain: Ring ring ring, banana phoooone....
Sagittarius-You will be surprised by the creature you find lurking in your dryer. Don’t worry, he’s just there to steal your socks.
Capricorn-Your nagging sense that you’ve forgotten something will be set at ease. By the way, did you remember to get that gas leak fixed?
Aquarius-You will find yourself feeling inexplicably lost and confused today, and this confusion will lead you to question your place in the world and embark on a soul-searching philosophical journey, during which you will redefine the concept of individuality in an age of quantum science and disprove the existence of commas splices, leading you to launch a campaign against the teaching of proper grammar in English classes after 11 a.m., having realized the way in which it stifles original thought and by extension threatens all human culture as well the existence of ridiculously long sentences, such as the one that left you feeling lost and confused in the first place.
Pisces-Your wish will finally come true today. Try to look surprised.