Dear Bruin - The GloBELL ROAR

This year, we introduce an invaluable resource for solving all your tangled personalproblems: meet the wise Bruin, Bell’s own agony aunt. Got an apparently insolvable personal dilemma? Ask the Bruin at roar@bellhs.net.

Dear Bruin,
The end of the semester draws near, and I have my eye on a girl in one of my classes. The trouble is, I can’t work up the courage to ask her out. Can you give me some pointers?
- Watching from Afar

Dear WA,
Don’t worry, this is a commonly shared woe. Given the general circumstances of high school, the wise Bruin will give you a handy guide to snagging a date for the dance:

Step 1: Corral the future date of your choice. A challenge often met at this stage is the fact that the teenage female tends to travel in a pack; in order to be successful, you must think like a predator. Separate the chosen prey with the help of buddies if necessary. Proceed to corner her, making sure that she has no avenue of escape.
Step 2: Gather your courage and let whatever sequence of words that come to mind spew out. In the ensuing confused silence, untangle your ideas, and reiterate your words in a recognizable language, preferably one that your prey understands. You may also present a sacrificial offering of flowers or chocolate.
Step 3: Pop the question. Leave her little to no time to consider carefully.

If you have followed the steps correctly, you should now have a date on your hands.